Say It, Don’t Suppress It: Why Vulnerability Matters

By Chauna-Kaye Pottinger

Last week, we laid the first brick in building a marriage that lasts: fasting and prayer, because before you can truly connect with your spouse, you have to first align your heart with God. But prayer isn’t just about divine downloads and spiritual power-ups. It’s also preparation for the hard stuff, like being completely seen and still choosing to stay. Because let’s be honest: marriage is God’s favorite classroom for character development, and vulnerability is the homework most of us try to avoid.

Vulnerability is awkward, exposing, and sometimes downright uncomfortable. You can pray heaven down in the morning, and by evening be side-eyeing each other over how the dishwasher was loaded—or worse, unraveling over an unresolved issue masked by a tight-lipped “I’m fine.” The truth is, it’s not the big blowups that usually break us—it’s the buildup of things left unsaid. This week, we’re talking about the silent assassins of intimacy: fear, resentment, and emotional pretending. Because if fasting is the spiritual reset, then openness and honesty are the relational oxygen. Let’s exhale the secrets and breathe in the kind of truth that heals

Why Openness and Honesty Matter

The Bible pulls no punches when it comes to the power of honesty. Proverbs 24:26 says, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Translation? Truth is intimate. Vulnerability is sexy. Honesty is holy.

When you’re honest with your spouse about your joys, fears, and frustrations, you’re building connection. Even sharing that weird way you like your tea helps. But when you sweep your truth under the rug, you’re not just keeping secrets, you’re creating space. And guess who loves empty space in marriages? Yep. You guessed it. The enemy. He thrives in silence, in withheld words, in emotional distance. Suddenly, what started as “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings” shifts. It becomes “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

The Residual Impact of Silence

Failing to be open doesn’t just cause a communication gap, it creates emotional corrosion. That one time you said “I’m okay” when you weren’t? It piles up. That hobby you dropped because your spouse didn’t seem interested? It festers. That fear you’ve been carrying but never shared? It hardens your heart over time.

Here’s what happens: unspoken hurts become resentment, resentment becomes bitterness, and bitterness, if left unchecked, can morph into contempt. And where there’s contempt, love doesn’t stand a chance.

Ephesians 4:26 reminds us, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”That foothold often looks like silence. And that silence turns into distance.

Creating a Safe Space to Share

Now, let’s not act like opening up is easy. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s scary. Vulnerability is basically emotional skinny-dipping: no cover, no filters. But it’s also where real connection begins.

Are you wondering how to foster an environment where vulnerability feels less risky? Here’s my attempt to offer some thoughtful, practical strategies. These aren’t quick fixes. They are intentional habits. Over time, they can help you and your spouse create a truly safe space. In this space, honesty, even when uncomfortable, is met with grace and understanding.:

Practice active listening: One popular saying I’ve often heard repeated is that we should “listen to hear, not to respond.” Simple words, but if we’re honest, this kind of listening takes intention, maturity, and a whole lot of humility. It means putting your ego on pause and giving your spouse the gift of your undivided presence, not just your ears, but your heart.

This isn’t the time for eye-rolling or sighing. Don’t check your phone or mentally rehearse your next rebuttal like you’re preparing for a courtroom showdown. Stay present in the moment. Resist the urge to fix or defend. Instead, choose to truly understand what your spouse is saying—even if it stings a little.

Active listening says, “You matter. Your feelings are valid. I care more about our connection than about being right.” That kind of listening creates emotional safety, and where there’s safety, there’s space for honesty to grow.

• Affirm before you advise: Sometimes your spouse doesn’t need you to solve their problem. They need you to see them in it. It’s tempting to jump into “fix-it” mode. This is especially true if you’re wired that way. However, pausing to affirm first can be more powerful than any advice. Saying something like, “That must have been hard.” You could also say, “I can see why you’d feel that way.” These words create an emotional bridge. It tells your spouse, “I’m with you. I hear you. I care.” Once they feel emotionally safe, they’ll be far more open to any perspective or advice you have. Empathy first, solutions later.
• Ask intentional questions: “How was your day?” is polite. But intentional questions invite connection. They communicate genuine interest and a desire to go deeper. Questions like, “What was the hardest part of your day?” or “What’s something you wish I noticed more?” tell your spouse that you’re not just checking a box; you’re leaning in. These kinds of questions encourage vulnerability and open the door to conversations that matter. They help you see what’s beneath the surface, which is where real intimacy lives.
• Don’t weaponize their vulnerability:Nothing shuts down honesty faster than using someone’s confession against them. If your spouse opens up about a fear, insecurity, or mistake, they’re handing you a fragile piece of themselves. If you later throw it back during a disagreement, whether in sarcasm, anger, or to win a point, you’ve not just hurt them, you’ve taught them that opening up isn’t safe. That emotional vault? Slammed shut. And reopening it may take time, trust rebuilding, and a lot of repentance. Hear me when I say this: Vulnerability should be honored, not exploited.
• Be honest about the little things too: It’s easy to think honesty is only for the big conversations: finances, family planning, major life decisions. But the little truths matter just as much. Like the petty things your spouse does that you consider annoying. The fact that you need 15 minutes of silence when you get home. Or that you only pretended to like that series to be polite. These minor truths build major trust. Why? Because they create a rhythm of authenticity. The more consistently honest you are, even in the small things, the easier it becomes to be honest about the big stuff when it really counts.

Truth Builds Trust

The foundation of any great marriage isn’t perfection. It’s connection. And connection is impossible without communication. The truth spoken in love builds a bond that no storm can shake.

So if you’ve been biting your tongue more than you’ve been sharing your truth, it’s time to talk. Ask the tough questions. Speak the honest answers. Be gentle. Be brave.

Because in a marriage, keeping secrets doesn’t protect your partner, it separates you from them.

And if we’re going to build marriages that last, we’ve got to build them on truth. Jesus said in John 8:32, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” And I believe that applies to marriages too.

Truth sets you free to love deeper, laugh harder, and grow stronger together.

Now, go ask your spouse what they’ve been afraid to tell you. And when they open up, don’t flinch. Lean in. Love them through it.

Because that, my friend, is where real intimacy begins.

I can’t wait to catch you here again the same time next week. We will talk about the importance of respect in marriage.

Chauna-Kaye Pottinger a devoted Christian residing in sunny Orlando, Florida. As a loving wife and mother, she gracefully balances her roles with a fervent dedication to her faith. Chauna-Kaye’s heart is set on reaching Heaven. She channels her passion by inspiring everyone she encounters. She encourages them to embark on the same spiritual journey. Through her blog, she shares insights, experiences, and unwavering enthusiasm for a life centered on faith and eternal purpose. Join Chauna-Kaye as she navigates the path to Heaven, encouraging others to walk alongside her in this transformative quest.