Because peace is more than just the absence of noise.
Last week in our Love Fortress blog series, we tackled the topic of trust. It is the sacred glue that keeps our relationships strong, even in the face of storms. We talked about how trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and sometimes a lifetime to repair. But what happens when that trust is rattled? What happens when a heated argument leads to icy silence? You find yourself lying on opposite ends of the bed. Each of you is wrapped in your own pride and pain.
Let’s talk about reconciliation after a dispute; because let’s be honest, even the most “in love” couples have days when love feels more like a battlefield than a ballroom dance.
When Disputes Happen
Let’s paint the picture: You’ve just had a big argument. Words flew like daggers. One of you stormed out; or worse, stayed in but gave the silent treatment like it was an Olympic decathlon. Maybe you’re now withholding affection or intimacy, hoping your spouse will feel the sting of your frustration. We get it. When you’ve been wronged, there’s something satisfying, at least in the moment, about pulling back. It feels like justice.
But here’s the raw truth: weaponizing silence or sex creates more distance, not more clarity. The louder one spouse gets, the more right they feel; the quieter the other becomes, the more resentful they grow. And before you know it, the issue becomes less about what was said and more about how both of you reacted.
I remember early in my marriage with Jaymie, I had a bad habit of threatening divorce during heated arguments. I didn’t realize at the time how damaging those words were. In my mind, I was expressing just how hurt I felt; but to him, it sent the message that our marriage wasn’t meaningful or secure. One day, Jaymie looked at me and said, “It’s hard for me to have confidence and trust in our relationship when it feels like you’re ready to walk away at any moment.” That stopped me in my tracks. His vulnerability shook something inside of me. I realized that reconciliation doesn’t stand a chance when threats are sitting at the table.
The Pain of Being Wronged
Being wronged by your spouse stings in a way few things do. This is the person who vowed to love you. They promised to protect your heart. They said they would cover you emotionally. Now they feel like the very source of your ache. That pain can feel lonely—maddening even. In that space, it’s easy to rehearse your side of the argument. You build your case. You seek validation from friends or family. But here’s what often gets overlooked: sometimes, we’re reacting to the story we’ve told ourselves about what happened. It’s not necessarily the full truth. And when those stories aren’t filtered through the lens of grace, context, or clarity, they can distort reality. Yet because they feel true, we act on them as if they are.
Here’s a gentle warning: sharing every marital fight with your circle may win you sympathy. However, it can cost you trust. Your spouse can forgive you, but your mama will not. Your best friend will never look at them the same again. And reconciliation becomes even harder when too many spectators have a front-row seat to your private battles.
Don’t Let the Sun Go Down…
Ephesians 4:26 offers timeless wisdom: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” You don’t have to resolve every issue before bedtime. However, don’t go to sleep marinating in bitterness. Angry hearts harden overnight.
Here are some intuitive and light-hearted ways to pursue peace instead of prolonging pain:
- Break the Ice, Literally
Hand your spouse a popsicle with a sticky note that says, “Let’s cool off and talk when you’re ready.” Humor heals. - Initiate a Grace Truce
Say, “I’m not ready to hash it all out, but I love you and want to get back to us.” It shows humility and gives space for resolution without demanding it immediately. - Touch Before Talk
A hand on the back, a gentle hug, or just sitting close can often soften a heart faster than an argument ever could. - Pray Instead of Plot
Instead of plotting your comeback, pray for your spouse and your own heart. Ask God to give you grace and a listening ear. - Avoid the Blame Game
Use “I feel” instead of “you always.” There’s no peace in pointing fingers; only more bruises. - Choose Connection Over Control
Don’t withhold sexual intimacy as a form of punishment. Sex isn’t a bargaining chip; it’s a gift, a healing space, and sometimes the doorway back to emotional unity. - Write it Out
If speaking feels too charged, write a heartfelt note. Sometimes the written word opens doors the spoken word can’t.
Grace and Humility: The Way Forward
Peace doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened; it means choosing grace when you could choose retaliation. It means humbling yourself, even if you weren’t “the one who started it.” Reconciliation occurs when flawed humans come together. They decide that we is more important than me.
So, take a breath. Be first to apologize. Or at least be first to reach out. Say the hard thing, but say it with love.
As you begin to patch the cracks with grace, remember this—you’re not just ending a fight. You’re building a fortress.
Next week, we’ll heat things up (in the best way). We will explore “Enticing Your Spouse.” Rebuilding intimacy after conflict is more than possible. It’s beautiful.
Until then, love hard, forgive quickly, and never stop fighting to keep your Love Fortress intact.
Chauna-Kaye Pottinger is a devoted Christian residing in sunny Orlando, Florida. As a loving wife and mother, she gracefully balances her roles with a fervent dedication to her faith. Chauna-Kaye’s heart is set on reaching Heaven, and she channels her passion into inspiring everyone she encounters to embark on the same spiritual journey. Through her blog, she shares insights, experiences, and unwavering enthusiasm for a life centered on faith and eternal purpose. Join Chauna-Kaye as she navigates the path to Heaven, encouraging others to walk alongside her in this transformative quest.
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