Tag: love

Dear Husbands, Your Wife’s Libido Isn’t Low, She’s Just Tired

By: Chauna-Kaye Pottinger

Gentlemen, let’s get straight to it. Have you been wondering why your wife doesn’t have the same sparkle in her eyes at bedtime? Let me help you understand why. It’s not that she’s lost interest in romance. It’s that she’s running on fumes. And no, before you say it, mowing the lawn last weekend doesn’t count as “helping out around the house.” That’s called yard work. It’s like bragging that you helped feed the kids by grilling steaks, once in July.

Welcome to the Burnout Olympics

Your wife isn’t just your wife. She’s the CEO of Household Inc., the unpaid Uber driver for the children, the chef, the homework tutor, and the conflict mediator. She’s also the grocery shopper. She performs laundry magic. She is the emotional support hotline. She’s the behind-the-scenes project manager for birthdays, doctor’s appointments, and Christmas gifts.

Now, consider her full-time job. Add her calling or ministry at church. Also, add her personal purpose in life. She’s still trying to live this out in the middle of all this. You do not have a woman with a low libido. You have a woman who’s been operating at DEFCON 1 for years.

Burnout is real.
And tired brains don’t feel sexy. Exhausted bodies don’t crave marathon make-out sessions. The mental load of running a family is immense. Even when she’s lying down, her brain is busy folding laundry in her head.

And here’s the kicker, this “tired all the time” thing isn’t just in her head. Research shows burnout is closely tied to depression, with one large study finding a strong link between the two. Women, in particular, are twice as likely to experience anxiety and depression from burnout. This is largely because they’re running a double shift. They clock in at work and then clock in again at home. Between 2007 and 2019, burnout rates for women actually doubled. Many of those cases resulted in full-blown emotional and mental exhaustion. Translation? If she seems distant or disinterested, it’s not a lack of desire. She’s carrying a load heavy enough to crush her energy and her joy.

“Helping” Is Not the Goal — Partnership Is

Men, hear me: it is no longer enough to say you “help” with the housework. That’s like saying you “help” with parenting. You’re not a volunteer. You’re a co-owner.

Marriage is a team sport. It is not a talent show where you pop in for one grand gesture. You cannot expect a standing ovation. If you want her energy in the bedroom, start by lightening her load outside of it.

And I’m not talking about once-in-a-blue-moon “Look, babe, I vacuumed!” moments. I mean consistent, dependable, you don’t have to ask me kind of effort.

  • Pick up a broom without needing instructions.
  • Fold the laundry and — radical thought — put it away.
  • Handle dinner more than just “ordering pizza.”
  • Initiate kid bedtime so she can have 20 quiet minutes to just be a human.

Every chore you take off her plate is one less stressor between you and that spark you miss.

Romantic exchange between couple while doing dishes

The Bedroom Starts in the Kitchen

This is not just about housework; it’s about foreplay. When she sees you managing household life like a true partner, her body and mind can finally start to relax. And relaxed women… well, let’s just say they tend to have more capacity for romance.

Here’s the secret: passion isn’t killed by marriage — it’s suffocated by exhaustion. If you want your wife to have more energy for intimacy, give her less to carry everywhere else.

So, fellas, the next time you’re hoping for fireworks at night, start earlier in the day. And by “start,” I mean grab that broom like your love life depends on it. Because honestly… it does.

Chauna-Kaye Pottinger is a devoted Christian residing in sunny Orlando, Florida. As a loving wife and mother, she gracefully balances her roles with a fervent dedication to her faith. Chauna-Kaye’s heart is set on reaching Heaven, and she channels her passion into inspiring everyone she encounters to embark on the same spiritual journey. Through her blog, she shares insights, experiences, and unwavering enthusiasm for a life centered on faith and eternal purpose. Join Chauna-Kaye as she navigates the path to Heaven, encouraging others to walk alongside her in this transformative quest.

Yes, You Can Still Flirt (and Should) After Marriage

By Chauna-Kaye Pottinger

Welcome back to The Love Fortress blog series. This series is a journey through the eight foundational pillars. These pillars help couples cultivate emotional, spiritual, and physical intimacy in Christian marriage. Last week, we talked about Reconciliation after a Dispute. We discussed how to disarm anger and lay down pride. We also considered how to pursue peace with grace and humility. It was a reminder that even after we hurt one another, we can choose love, repair, and restoration. But once peace is restored, what then? How do we go beyond survival mode and rekindle a spark that’s been dulled by time or tension?

That brings us to this week’s focus: The letter E– Enticing Your Spouse.

Now, don’t let the word “enticing” throw you off. This is not about manipulation or seduction. It’s about intentional pursuit. It’s about bringing delight, anticipation, and even a little playfulness into your marriage. It’s the part of love that flirts, giggles, compliments, affirms, and says with confidence, “I still want you.”

Many Christian couples quietly let go of one vital ingredient in their relationship: pursuit. This happens somewhere between meal prepping, ministry meetings, raising children, and navigating the demands of daily life. We get so busy building a life together. We forget to keep building the romance that brought us together in the first place.

That night is unforgettable. The air was still abuzz with joy from the exchange of our lifelong commitment to each other. The scent of fresh roses lingered in our bridal suite. After all the hugs and excitement, we began unwrapping the mountain of gifts from friends and loved ones. One of the most beautiful cards I received came from a couple I deeply admired. They had been married for over 30 years, and I had always seen them as the picture of lasting love. The note inside was simple, but it carried weight. It said, “Never, ever take each other for granted. Keep the spark going. Every. Single. Day.”

I remember reading that card, and feeling both challenged and inspired. This couple had endured the highs and lows of life together. They still believed in keeping the spark alive. Surely, it wasn’t just about good feelings. It was about consistent intention.

That message has followed me through every season of marriage.

That card felt like a charge. Over time, I’ve learned how sacred and necessary that spark is. This is especially true in Christian marriages. Intimacy is not just a benefit of the covenant. It is a reflection of God’s delight in closeness.

So how do we keep the spark alive, especially in a world that constantly pulls at our attention and energy?

It starts with being intentional. Here are some ways to pursue your spouse and make them feel desired, appreciated, and seen:

Say It Loud (and Soft, and Often)

Affirm your spouse with your words. Not just “I love you,” but “I admire you.” “I’m proud of you.” “I feel safe with you.” Tell them what you love about the way they think, lead, love, or laugh. Text them in the middle of the day just to say, “You’re on my mind, and I’m grateful for you.” Sometimes a midday text hits harder than roses.

Flirt Without a Script

You don’t need a grand gesture to turn up the charm. Try these:

  • Leave a note in their Bible or lunch bag
  • Give them that look across the room
  • Touch their back as you pass by
  • Ask them on a spontaneous lunch date
  • Play a song that reminds you of them
  • Whisper something kind while they’re doing something ordinary

These aren’t small gestures. They’re seeds. And they grow connection.

Pursue Their Heart, Not Just Their Body

Enticement isn’t always physical. In fact, some of the most magnetic moments are emotional and spiritual. Ask deep questions. Listen well. Remember what matters to them. Cheer for their dreams. Speak life over their insecurities. When someone knows you’re still interested in who they’re becoming, they feel cherished.

Affirming or “gassing up” your spouse has a profound psychological impact that goes far beyond boosting their ego. It reinforces their sense of self-worth, security, and emotional connection within the relationship. When a spouse consistently hears genuine praise, admiration, and encouragement, it activates the brain’s reward center. This releases feel-good chemicals like dopamine. It cultivates a positive association with both the words and the person saying them. Over time, this creates a mental framework where they feel seen, valued, and safe to be their authentic self. It also helps to counteract internalized doubts. This is crucial in a world that constantly measures worth by performance and appearance. Within a marriage, this intentional affirmation fosters emotional intimacy. It increases resilience during conflict. It lays a strong foundation of trust. These affirmations remind your partner that they are cherished not just for what they do, but for who they are.

Serve and Surprise

Fold the laundry. Fill their gas tank. Tackle the chore they dread. These acts of service might seem mundane, but they send a loud and clear message: “I see you. I love you. I’ve got you.” Sometimes the sexiest thing you can do is unload the dishwasher without being asked.

Celebrate Who They Are

Honor your spouse in public. Brag on them. Show them off. Thank God for them out loud during prayer. Make it a habit to say, “I’m so glad I married you.” Say it even when they’re wearing mismatched socks. Also, say it when they’re asking where the ketchup is for the fifth time.

Because here’s the truth—enticement is not a phase; it’s a practice. When it is rooted in love, delight, and commitment, it transforms. It becomes one of the greatest gifts you can give each other.

In my upcoming book The Love Fortress: Eight Pillars to Protect, Strengthen,  and Reignite Your Marriage, I’ll share a cheat sheet. I’ll offer this to couples as a starting point. This will help couples who want to reignite the spark. But they aren’t sure where to begin. Think of it as a starter kit. It contains simple ideas that work in the real rhythm of marriage. Marriage can often be messy and often beautiful.

Next week, we’ll be tackling a topic that’s often misunderstood but deeply transformative: Godly Submission.We’ll talk about what submission is and what it definitely is not, and how mutual surrender in love can become one of the most powerful pillars in your marriage.

But until then, go flirt with your forever love. Laugh. Text. Compliment. Pursue.

Keep the spark alive. You’ll be amazed at how much warmth and joy it brings to your home—and your heart.

Chauna-Kaye Pottinger is a devoted Christian residing in sunny Orlando, Florida. As a loving wife and mother, she gracefully balances her roles with a fervent dedication to her faith. Chauna-Kaye’s heart is set on reaching Heaven, and she channels her passion into inspiring everyone she encounters to embark on the same spiritual journey. Through her blog, she shares insights, experiences, and unwavering enthusiasm for a life centered on faith and eternal purpose. Join Chauna-Kaye as she navigates the path to Heaven, encouraging others to walk alongside her in this transformative quest.

Let’s Make Up: Turning Conflict Into Connection

Because peace is more than just the absence of noise.

Last week in our Love Fortress blog series, we tackled the topic of trust. It is the sacred glue that keeps our relationships strong, even in the face of storms. We talked about how trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and sometimes a lifetime to repair. But what happens when that trust is rattled? What happens when a heated argument leads to icy silence? You find yourself lying on opposite ends of the bed. Each of you is wrapped in your own pride and pain.

Let’s talk about reconciliation after a dispute; because let’s be honest, even the most “in love” couples have days when love feels more like a battlefield than a ballroom dance.

When Disputes Happen

Let’s paint the picture: You’ve just had a big argument. Words flew like daggers. One of you stormed out; or worse, stayed in but gave the silent treatment like it was an Olympic decathlon. Maybe you’re now withholding affection or intimacy, hoping your spouse will feel the sting of your frustration. We get it. When you’ve been wronged, there’s something satisfying, at least in the moment, about pulling back. It feels like justice.

But here’s the raw truth: weaponizing silence or sex creates more distance, not more clarity. The louder one spouse gets, the more right they feel; the quieter the other becomes, the more resentful they grow. And before you know it, the issue becomes less about what was said and more about how both of you reacted.

I remember early in my marriage with Jaymie, I had a bad habit of threatening divorce during heated arguments. I didn’t realize at the time how damaging those words were. In my mind, I was expressing just how hurt I felt; but to him, it sent the message that our marriage wasn’t meaningful or secure. One day, Jaymie looked at me and said, “It’s hard for me to have confidence and trust in our relationship when it feels like you’re ready to walk away at any moment.” That stopped me in my tracks. His vulnerability shook something inside of me. I realized that reconciliation doesn’t stand a chance when threats are sitting at the table.

The Pain of Being Wronged

Being wronged by your spouse stings in a way few things do. This is the person who vowed to love you. They promised to protect your heart. They said they would cover you emotionally. Now they feel like the very source of your ache. That pain can feel lonely—maddening even. In that space, it’s easy to rehearse your side of the argument. You build your case. You seek validation from friends or family. But here’s what often gets overlooked: sometimes, we’re reacting to the story we’ve told ourselves about what happened. It’s not necessarily the full truth. And when those stories aren’t filtered through the lens of grace, context, or clarity, they can distort reality. Yet because they feel true, we act on them as if they are.

Here’s a gentle warning: sharing every marital fight with your circle may win you sympathy. However, it can cost you trust. Your spouse can forgive you, but your mama will not. Your best friend will never look at them the same again. And reconciliation becomes even harder when too many spectators have a front-row seat to your private battles.

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down…

Ephesians 4:26 offers timeless wisdom: “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” You don’t have to resolve every issue before bedtime. However, don’t go to sleep marinating in bitterness. Angry hearts harden overnight.

Here are some intuitive and light-hearted ways to pursue peace instead of prolonging pain:

  1. Break the Ice, Literally
    Hand your spouse a popsicle with a sticky note that says, “Let’s cool off and talk when you’re ready.” Humor heals.
  2. Initiate a Grace Truce
    Say, “I’m not ready to hash it all out, but I love you and want to get back to us.” It shows humility and gives space for resolution without demanding it immediately.
  3. Touch Before Talk
    A hand on the back, a gentle hug, or just sitting close can often soften a heart faster than an argument ever could.
  4. Pray Instead of Plot
    Instead of plotting your comeback, pray for your spouse and your own heart. Ask God to give you grace and a listening ear.
  5. Avoid the Blame Game
    Use “I feel” instead of “you always.” There’s no peace in pointing fingers; only more bruises.
  6. Choose Connection Over Control
    Don’t withhold sexual intimacy as a form of punishment. Sex isn’t a bargaining chip; it’s a gift, a healing space, and sometimes the doorway back to emotional unity.
  7. Write it Out
    If speaking feels too charged, write a heartfelt note. Sometimes the written word opens doors the spoken word can’t.

Grace and Humility: The Way Forward

Peace doesn’t mean pretending nothing happened; it means choosing grace when you could choose retaliation. It means humbling yourself, even if you weren’t “the one who started it.” Reconciliation occurs when flawed humans come together. They decide that we is more important than me.

So, take a breath. Be first to apologize. Or at least be first to reach out. Say the hard thing, but say it with love.

As you begin to patch the cracks with grace, remember this—you’re not just ending a fight. You’re building a fortress.

Next week, we’ll heat things up (in the best way). We will explore “Enticing Your Spouse.” Rebuilding intimacy after conflict is more than possible. It’s beautiful.

Until then, love hard, forgive quickly, and never stop fighting to keep your Love Fortress intact.

Chauna-Kaye Pottinger is a devoted Christian residing in sunny Orlando, Florida. As a loving wife and mother, she gracefully balances her roles with a fervent dedication to her faith. Chauna-Kaye’s heart is set on reaching Heaven, and she channels her passion into inspiring everyone she encounters to embark on the same spiritual journey. Through her blog, she shares insights, experiences, and unwavering enthusiasm for a life centered on faith and eternal purpose. Join Chauna-Kaye as she navigates the path to Heaven, encouraging others to walk alongside her in this transformative quest.

Trust as the Foundation of a Healthy Marriage

Welcome back to the FORTRESS series! Last week, we explored the value of Respect and how it lays a firm foundation in marriage. This week, we turn our attention to a tender, powerful force: Trust – the fourth pillar in our Love Fortress.

Trust is the atmosphere in which love breathes. It’s the invisible ecosystem that supports joy, intimacy, peace, and partnership. Without trust, even the most passionate love can feel uncertain. But with trust, your marriage becomes a safe haven, a place where hearts can rest and souls can thrive.

The Bible tells us, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her, so he will have no lack of gain” (Proverbs 31:11, NKJV). That kind of security doesn’t come by accident—it is cultivated intentionally.

What Does Trust Look Like in Marriage?

Trust looks like showing up when you say you will, listening without judgment, telling the truth even when it’s difficult, and defending your spouse’s name whether they’re in the room or not. It means you believe the best about one another and are willing to talk openly, pray consistently, and serve sacrificially.

Trust isn’t about perfection—it’s about consistency and commitment. It’s found in the little choices we make every day to honor, protect, and prioritize our spouse.

When a couple builds trust over time, emotional walls come down, and deep connection begins to grow. Vulnerability becomes less risky. Communication becomes more honest. Forgiveness flows more freely. In essence, trust becomes the ecosystem where love is able to fully bloom.

How to Build and Maintain Trust

One of the best ways to build trust is to speak truth with love. Ephesians 4:25 reminds us, “Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.” In marriage, this means being transparent with your feelings, finances, plans, and past—not hiding behind silence or secrecy.

Trust also grows when promises are kept. Small things, like following through on a date night or remembering to pray together, send a strong message: “You can rely on me.” Be present, be consistent, and be someone your spouse can count on.

And don’t underestimate the power of grace. We are all human and make mistakes. Extend the same mercy to your spouse that God extends to us each day. As Lamentations 3:22–23 reminds us, “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning.” A marriage that walks in mercy walks in strength.

Trust and Boundaries Go Hand-in-Hand

Boundaries in marriage are not about building walls to keep each other out—they are about creating safe spaces where love can thrive. But here’s the truth: boundaries only work when there is trust.

You can’t set healthy boundaries with someone who disregards them. You can’t feel free in a relationship where your emotional safety is constantly compromised. And you can’t flourish inside a fortress if you’re locked in with someone you don’t trust. That’s not love—it’s confinement. And confinement leads to resentment, anxiety, and even depression.

Imagine living in a castle where every room holds uncertainty. You don’t know what version of your spouse will show up. You’re hesitant to speak, afraid to rest, unsure if you’re safe. That kind of marriage doesn’t reflect God’s design. “Perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18), but mistrust invites it in.

Healthy boundaries—around communication, finances, friendships, emotional availability, and even technology—require a foundation of trust to be honored and respected. When both spouses are committed to protecting each other and upholding agreed-upon limits, the fortress becomes a sanctuary, not a stronghold.

When Trust is Broken: Betrayal and the Long Road Back

Let’s talk about the hard truth—not all marriages start or stay in trust. Sometimes, betrayal happens. Whether it’s infidelity, emotional withdrawal, lies, or addiction, betrayal fractures the foundation of trust and leaves both spouses hurting.

Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” That includes you. If you’ve experienced betrayal, know that God sees your pain and longs to restore your heart—and your marriage.

Healing after betrayal is a long road, but it is possible. It starts with confession, not just getting caught. The spouse who broke the trust must own what they’ve done, express remorse, and take intentional steps toward restoration. The other spouse must be willing to walk through the pain, with God’s help, toward forgiveness—not forgetfulness, but forgiveness grounded in love and wisdom.

Counseling, spiritual mentorship, accountability, and prayer are vital. Rebuilding trust is not a solo mission—it’s a sacred partnership, requiring humility, truth, and love.

Jesus said in Matthew 19:26, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Even the broken places can be made beautiful again when God is allowed to lead the healing process.

Trust is Love in Action

Trust is love that shows up daily. It says, “I choose you,” even when feelings fade or life gets hard. It’s not built in grand gestures but in the small, faithful acts that say, “You are safe with me.”

Reflect on your marriage this week. Ask God to show any areas where trust needs to be rebuilt. Consider where trust should be strengthened. Pray together. Speak life over one another. And remember that trust is not just a feeling—it’s a decision, a discipline, and a daily devotion.

Next week, we’ll dive into Reconciliation After a Dispute, learning how to return to love after conflict and misunderstanding. Until then, walk in trust, covered in grace, and rooted in the One who never fails.

Chauna-Kaye Pottinger a devoted Christian residing in sunny Orlando, Florida. As a loving wife and mother, she gracefully balances her roles with a fervent dedication to her faith. Chauna-Kaye’s heart is set on reaching Heaven, and she channels her passion into inspiring everyone she encounters to embark on the same spiritual journey. Through her blog, she shares insights, experiences, and unwavering enthusiasm for a life centered on faith and eternal purpose. Join Chauna-Kaye as she navigates the path to Heaven, encouraging others to walk alongside her in this transformative quest.

The Importance of Respect in Marriage

Welcome back to the FORTRESS series. This is a no-fluff, real-talk journey into building love that lasts. It doesn’t collapse under the weight of unspoken expectations or poorly handled conflict. In our last post, we explored Openness and Honesty, two cornerstone virtues in any healthy marriage. We talked about how vital it is to be emotionally naked with your spouse. This means not being physically exposed alone, but being spiritually and mentally available, honest, and vulnerable.

But here’s the twist no one tells you: just because you’re being honest doesn’t mean you get to be cruel. Truth without love is a weapon. Vulnerability without boundaries is a mess. And that’s why today we’re talking about Respect. Your spouse is not your emotional punching bag. They are not your built-in therapist or the final boss in your unresolved childhood trauma video game.

In my upcoming book The Love Fortress, I dedicate an entire section to this topic. Disrespect is often the silent killer of marriages. It doesn’t scream. It simmers. It hides behind sarcasm, passive aggression, stonewalling, and “I’m just being honest” comments that cut like daggers. And one of the concepts I explore is what I call The Top of the Hill vs. Bottom of the Hill dynamic.

The Hill We Die On—Or Push Someone Off Of

In some marriages, conflict turns into a hierarchy. One spouse stands on the “top of the hill” always right, always above reproach, rarely apologizing. The other lives at the “bottom of the hill,” always in trouble, always making amends, never quite good enough.

This creates a bully-victim loop. The top-dweller believes they’re simply “holding the standard,” while the bottom-dweller learns to walk on emotional eggshells just to keep the peace. That’s not peace—that’s quiet abuse.

But here’s the reality: We all mess up. Romans 3:23 reminds us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” In marriage, that means nobody is the moral high priest. We’re both pilgrims on the same road, prone to tripping over our pride.

Why Respect Matters More Than You Think

I remember early in our marriage, after one of our now-infamous “spirited fellowships(that almost sent us in different directions,” Jaymie said something that truly stopped me in my tracks. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “As a man, I value respect even more than sex.”

Whew. That shook me.

Because up to that point, I thought I understood how to love him, but what I was giving didn’t always feel like respect to him. And nothing, he told me, kills the mood or a man’s confidence like feeling disrespected in his own home.

It was at that moment I realized that respect isn’t just a bonus in marriage; it’s oxygen. It feeds trust, honors dignity, and gives both people a safe place to thrive.

Respect is more than politeness. It’s the outward expression of your inward understanding of your spouse’s God-given dignity. Genesis 1:27 tells us that both male and female were made in the image of God. That means your spouse is not just your husband or wife—they are God’s image-bearer.

When we respect our spouse, we reflect God’s heart. When we disrespect them—especially under the guise of honesty—we fracture trust and diminish dignity.

Respect is how we communicate:

“You matter, even when I’m mad.”

“Your perspective is valid, even if I don’t agree.”

“Your soul is sacred, and I will not desecrate it with my words.”

What Respect Looks Like in Action: Practical Strategies

If you’re wondering how to bring more respect into your relationship, here are five biblical, practical strategies to get you moving:

1. Guard Your Tone, Not Just Your Words

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” — Proverbs 15:1

It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. Your spouse hears your tone long before they process your point. If your voice is sharp, condescending, or dismissive, your message is lost in the noise of disrespect.

2. Apologize First and Often

“Confess your faults one to another.” — James 5:16

Don’t wait for your spouse to initiate peace. Go first. This one is particularly difficult for me especially when I feel that I was the one wronged. But respect says, “I value the relationship more than my pride.” So even if you were only 20% wrong, own your 20% fully. It shifts the atmosphere.

3. Listen to Understand, Not to Win

“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” — James 1:19

Active listening is an act of honor. When you listen to your spouse, not just their words, but their heart, you validate their experience. It’s hard to feel disrespected when you’re truly being heard.

4. Don’t Weaponize Weakness

“Love keeps no record of wrongs.” — 1 Corinthians 13:5

What your spouse told you in confidence during their vulnerable moments is not ammunition for your next argument. Respect protects. It does not exploit. It covers, not uncovers.

5. Speak Life, Not Labels

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” — Proverbs 18:21

Saying things like, “You’re just lazy,” or “You always mess things up,” is not honesty, it’s humiliation. Respect means calling out potential, not crushing identity. Critique behavior, not character.

Respect: The Fertile Ground for Intimacy

Here’s the truth: love may start a marriage, but respect is what sustains it. Without it, intimacy withers. Trust erodes. Even small conversations turn into battlefields. But where there is mutual respect, you’ll find emotional safety, healing, and a desire to grow closer.

Mutual respect re-humanizes the relationship. It affirms what Philippians 2:3 urges us to do: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves.”

Respect says, “I don’t need to be better than you. I just want to build with you.”

If you’ve always found yourself on the top of the hill, it is time to come down. Meet your spouse on level ground. If you’ve been living at the bottom, silencing your voice, and apologizing for existing, it’s time to rise up. Speak truth and demand mutual dignity.

In The Love Fortress, we delve deeply into these dynamics. We uncover not only the wounds that cause them, but also the healing practices that restore them. Stay with me on this journey. Because like Rome, a great marriage isn’t built in a day, but with the right foundation—Fasting and Prayer, Openness and Honesty, and above all, Respect, your marriage can withstand any storm.

I will see you next week same time, same place as we discuss Trust as the fourth pillar of the Love Fortress.

Chauna-Kaye Pottinger a devoted Christian residing in sunny Orlando, Florida. As a loving wife and mother, she gracefully balances her roles with a fervent dedication to her faith. Chauna-Kaye’s heart is set on reaching Heaven, and she channels her passion into inspiring everyone she encounters to embark on the same spiritual journey. Through her blog, she shares insights, experiences, and unwavering enthusiasm for a life centered on faith and eternal purpose. Join Chauna-Kaye as she navigates the path to Heaven, encouraging others to walk alongside her in this transformative quest.

Say It, Don’t Suppress It: Why Vulnerability Matters

By Chauna-Kaye Pottinger

Last week, we laid the first brick in building a marriage that lasts: fasting and prayer, because before you can truly connect with your spouse, you have to first align your heart with God. But prayer isn’t just about divine downloads and spiritual power-ups. It’s also preparation for the hard stuff, like being completely seen and still choosing to stay. Because let’s be honest: marriage is God’s favorite classroom for character development, and vulnerability is the homework most of us try to avoid.

Vulnerability is awkward, exposing, and sometimes downright uncomfortable. You can pray heaven down in the morning, and by evening be side-eyeing each other over how the dishwasher was loaded—or worse, unraveling over an unresolved issue masked by a tight-lipped “I’m fine.” The truth is, it’s not the big blowups that usually break us—it’s the buildup of things left unsaid. This week, we’re talking about the silent assassins of intimacy: fear, resentment, and emotional pretending. Because if fasting is the spiritual reset, then openness and honesty are the relational oxygen. Let’s exhale the secrets and breathe in the kind of truth that heals

Why Openness and Honesty Matter

The Bible pulls no punches when it comes to the power of honesty. Proverbs 24:26 says, “An honest answer is like a kiss on the lips.” Translation? Truth is intimate. Vulnerability is sexy. Honesty is holy.

When you’re honest with your spouse about your joys, fears, and frustrations, you’re building connection. Even sharing that weird way you like your tea helps. But when you sweep your truth under the rug, you’re not just keeping secrets, you’re creating space. And guess who loves empty space in marriages? Yep. You guessed it. The enemy. He thrives in silence, in withheld words, in emotional distance. Suddenly, what started as “I didn’t want to hurt their feelings” shifts. It becomes “I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

The Residual Impact of Silence

Failing to be open doesn’t just cause a communication gap, it creates emotional corrosion. That one time you said “I’m okay” when you weren’t? It piles up. That hobby you dropped because your spouse didn’t seem interested? It festers. That fear you’ve been carrying but never shared? It hardens your heart over time.

Here’s what happens: unspoken hurts become resentment, resentment becomes bitterness, and bitterness, if left unchecked, can morph into contempt. And where there’s contempt, love doesn’t stand a chance.

Ephesians 4:26 reminds us, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”That foothold often looks like silence. And that silence turns into distance.

Creating a Safe Space to Share

Now, let’s not act like opening up is easy. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s scary. Vulnerability is basically emotional skinny-dipping: no cover, no filters. But it’s also where real connection begins.

Are you wondering how to foster an environment where vulnerability feels less risky? Here’s my attempt to offer some thoughtful, practical strategies. These aren’t quick fixes. They are intentional habits. Over time, they can help you and your spouse create a truly safe space. In this space, honesty, even when uncomfortable, is met with grace and understanding.:

Practice active listening: One popular saying I’ve often heard repeated is that we should “listen to hear, not to respond.” Simple words, but if we’re honest, this kind of listening takes intention, maturity, and a whole lot of humility. It means putting your ego on pause and giving your spouse the gift of your undivided presence, not just your ears, but your heart.

This isn’t the time for eye-rolling or sighing. Don’t check your phone or mentally rehearse your next rebuttal like you’re preparing for a courtroom showdown. Stay present in the moment. Resist the urge to fix or defend. Instead, choose to truly understand what your spouse is saying—even if it stings a little.

Active listening says, “You matter. Your feelings are valid. I care more about our connection than about being right.” That kind of listening creates emotional safety, and where there’s safety, there’s space for honesty to grow.

  • Affirm before you advise: Sometimes your spouse doesn’t need you to solve their problem. They need you to see them in it. It’s tempting to jump into “fix-it” mode. This is especially true if you’re wired that way. However, pausing to affirm first can be more powerful than any advice. Saying something like, “That must have been hard.” You could also say, “I can see why you’d feel that way.” These words create an emotional bridge. It tells your spouse, “I’m with you. I hear you. I care.” Once they feel emotionally safe, they’ll be far more open to any perspective or advice you have. Empathy first, solutions later.
  • Ask intentional questions: “How was your day?” is polite. But intentional questions invite connection. They communicate genuine interest and a desire to go deeper. Questions like, “What was the hardest part of your day?” or “What’s something you wish I noticed more?” tell your spouse that you’re not just checking a box; you’re leaning in. These kinds of questions encourage vulnerability and open the door to conversations that matter. They help you see what’s beneath the surface, which is where real intimacy lives.
  • Don’t weaponize their vulnerability:Nothing shuts down honesty faster than using someone’s confession against them. If your spouse opens up about a fear, insecurity, or mistake, they’re handing you a fragile piece of themselves. If you later throw it back during a disagreement, whether in sarcasm, anger, or to win a point, you’ve not just hurt them, you’ve taught them that opening up isn’t safe. That emotional vault? Slammed shut. And reopening it may take time, trust rebuilding, and a lot of repentance. Hear me when I say this: Vulnerability should be honored, not exploited.
  • Be honest about the little things too: It’s easy to think honesty is only for the big conversations: finances, family planning, major life decisions. But the little truths matter just as much. Like the petty things your spouse does that you consider annoying. The fact that you need 15 minutes of silence when you get home. Or that you only pretended to like that series to be polite. These minor truths build major trust. Why? Because they create a rhythm of authenticity. The more consistently honest you are, even in the small things, the easier it becomes to be honest about the big stuff when it really counts.

Truth Builds Trust

The foundation of any great marriage isn’t perfection. It’s connection. And connection is impossible without communication. The truth spoken in love builds a bond that no storm can shake.

So if you’ve been biting your tongue more than you’ve been sharing your truth, it’s time to talk. Ask the tough questions. Speak the honest answers. Be gentle. Be brave.

Because in a marriage, keeping secrets doesn’t protect your partner, it separates you from them.

And if we’re going to build marriages that last, we’ve got to build them on truth. Jesus said in John 8:32, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” And I believe that applies to marriages too.

Truth sets you free to love deeper, laugh harder, and grow stronger together.

Now, go ask your spouse what they’ve been afraid to tell you. And when they open up, don’t flinch. Lean in. Love them through it.

Because that, my friend, is where real intimacy begins.

I can’t wait to catch you here again the same time next week. We will talk about the importance of respect in marriage.

Chauna-Kaye Pottinger a devoted Christian residing in sunny Orlando, Florida. As a loving wife and mother, she gracefully balances her roles with a fervent dedication to her faith. Chauna-Kaye’s heart is set on reaching Heaven. She channels her passion by inspiring everyone she encounters. She encourages them to embark on the same spiritual journey. Through her blog, she shares insights, experiences, and unwavering enthusiasm for a life centered on faith and eternal purpose. Join Chauna-Kaye as she navigates the path to Heaven, encouraging others to walk alongside her in this transformative quest.