The Importance of Respect in Marriage

Welcome back to the FORTRESS series. This is a no-fluff, real-talk journey into building love that lasts. It doesn’t collapse under the weight of unspoken expectations or poorly handled conflict. In our last post, we explored Openness and Honesty, two cornerstone virtues in any healthy marriage. We talked about how vital it is to be emotionally naked with your spouse. This means not being physically exposed alone, but being spiritually and mentally available, honest, and vulnerable.

But here’s the twist no one tells you: just because you’re being honest doesn’t mean you get to be cruel. Truth without love is a weapon. Vulnerability without boundaries is a mess. And that’s why today we’re talking about Respect. Your spouse is not your emotional punching bag. They are not your built-in therapist or the final boss in your unresolved childhood trauma video game.

In my upcoming book The Love Fortress, I dedicate an entire section to this topic. Disrespect is often the silent killer of marriages. It doesn’t scream. It simmers. It hides behind sarcasm, passive aggression, stonewalling, and “I’m just being honest” comments that cut like daggers. And one of the concepts I explore is what I call The Top of the Hill vs. Bottom of the Hill dynamic.

The Hill We Die On—Or Push Someone Off Of

In some marriages, conflict turns into a hierarchy. One spouse stands on the “top of the hill” always right, always above reproach, rarely apologizing. The other lives at the “bottom of the hill,” always in trouble, always making amends, never quite good enough.

This creates a bully-victim loop. The top-dweller believes they’re simply “holding the standard,” while the bottom-dweller learns to walk on emotional eggshells just to keep the peace. That’s not peace—that’s quiet abuse.

But here’s the reality: We all mess up. Romans 3:23 reminds us that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” In marriage, that means nobody is the moral high priest. We’re both pilgrims on the same road, prone to tripping over our pride.

Why Respect Matters More Than You Think

I remember early in our marriage, after one of our now-infamous “spirited fellowships(that almost sent us in different directions,” Jaymie said something that truly stopped me in my tracks. He looked me straight in the eye and said, “As a man, I value respect even more than sex.”

Whew. That shook me.

Because up to that point, I thought I understood how to love him, but what I was giving didn’t always feel like respect to him. And nothing, he told me, kills the mood or a man’s confidence like feeling disrespected in his own home.

It was at that moment I realized that respect isn’t just a bonus in marriage; it’s oxygen. It feeds trust, honors dignity, and gives both people a safe place to thrive.

Respect is more than politeness. It’s the outward expression of your inward understanding of your spouse’s God-given dignity. Genesis 1:27 tells us that both male and female were made in the image of God. That means your spouse is not just your husband or wife—they are God’s image-bearer.

When we respect our spouse, we reflect God’s heart. When we disrespect them—especially under the guise of honesty—we fracture trust and diminish dignity.

Respect is how we communicate:

“You matter, even when I’m mad.”

“Your perspective is valid, even if I don’t agree.”

“Your soul is sacred, and I will not desecrate it with my words.”

What Respect Looks Like in Action: Practical Strategies

If you’re wondering how to bring more respect into your relationship, here are five biblical, practical strategies to get you moving:

1. Guard Your Tone, Not Just Your Words

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” — Proverbs 15:1

It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. Your spouse hears your tone long before they process your point. If your voice is sharp, condescending, or dismissive, your message is lost in the noise of disrespect.

2. Apologize First and Often

“Confess your faults one to another.” — James 5:16

Don’t wait for your spouse to initiate peace. Go first. This one is particularly difficult for me especially when I feel that I was the one wronged. But respect says, “I value the relationship more than my pride.” So even if you were only 20% wrong, own your 20% fully. It shifts the atmosphere.

3. Listen to Understand, Not to Win

“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” — James 1:19

Active listening is an act of honor. When you listen to your spouse, not just their words, but their heart, you validate their experience. It’s hard to feel disrespected when you’re truly being heard.

4. Don’t Weaponize Weakness

“Love keeps no record of wrongs.” — 1 Corinthians 13:5

What your spouse told you in confidence during their vulnerable moments is not ammunition for your next argument. Respect protects. It does not exploit. It covers, not uncovers.

5. Speak Life, Not Labels

“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.” — Proverbs 18:21

Saying things like, “You’re just lazy,” or “You always mess things up,” is not honesty, it’s humiliation. Respect means calling out potential, not crushing identity. Critique behavior, not character.

Respect: The Fertile Ground for Intimacy

Here’s the truth: love may start a marriage, but respect is what sustains it. Without it, intimacy withers. Trust erodes. Even small conversations turn into battlefields. But where there is mutual respect, you’ll find emotional safety, healing, and a desire to grow closer.

Mutual respect re-humanizes the relationship. It affirms what Philippians 2:3 urges us to do: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves.”

Respect says, “I don’t need to be better than you. I just want to build with you.”

If you’ve always found yourself on the top of the hill, it is time to come down. Meet your spouse on level ground. If you’ve been living at the bottom, silencing your voice, and apologizing for existing, it’s time to rise up. Speak truth and demand mutual dignity.

In The Love Fortress, we delve deeply into these dynamics. We uncover not only the wounds that cause them, but also the healing practices that restore them. Stay with me on this journey. Because like Rome, a great marriage isn’t built in a day, but with the right foundation—Fasting and Prayer, Openness and Honesty, and above all, Respect, your marriage can withstand any storm.

I will see you next week same time, same place as we discuss Trust as the fourth pillar of the Love Fortress.

Chauna-Kaye Pottinger a devoted Christian residing in sunny Orlando, Florida. As a loving wife and mother, she gracefully balances her roles with a fervent dedication to her faith. Chauna-Kaye’s heart is set on reaching Heaven, and she channels her passion into inspiring everyone she encounters to embark on the same spiritual journey. Through her blog, she shares insights, experiences, and unwavering enthusiasm for a life centered on faith and eternal purpose. Join Chauna-Kaye as she navigates the path to Heaven, encouraging others to walk alongside her in this transformative quest.